Forked Tongues: Inferno Pre-flight Chat
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The bags are over-packed, the security is queued, and somewhere between the obligatory airport pint and last-minute boarding panic, the pilgrimage has finally slapped us awake.
With the Scottish semi-finals of Metal 2 The Masses fading into last night’s rear-view and the Grand Final looming this May, there’s barely time to breathe. Slowdragon and AVZD carry more luggage under their eyes than the school trip slumped beside us, but our gaze is fixed northward – bound once again for the annual descent upon the Inferno Metal Festival and Music Conference in Oslo. Eternally grateful to be invited back as this year’s Scottish delegates, this Easter congregation of blackened metal and frozen souls draws our kin from over 50 countries into its ever-devouring orbit.
Pinning a tired, coffee-fuelled Slowdragon down before take-off seemed like the perfect opportunity for AVZD to ask some annoying, but relevant questions before the festival season really kicks off.
No escape. No excuses. I have the boarding passes!
Our travel mantra is to always charge your device, even if you’re on the ember back home with 95% battery – always charge when you can. We’ve been stuck in blizzards in the Highlands and off grid amongst lingering landmines of the Accursed Mountains – that extra 5% can literally be a lifeline… so what else is non-negotiable when you’re on the road?
Slow Dragon: “Socks! That’s usually the first thing I pack! Maybe sounds sad, but socks. There’s a lot of standing involved, and I like my feet to be comfy, as much as possible. For similar reasons, hot showers. Get them whenever they’re available. You never know when they next chance is. Even if you’re headed to another hotel, theirs could be shit. They are both general hygiene points, I guess. I hate starting a long day feeling grotty. Hot/free food, too. The belly keeps the back up.“
You’ve done the miles, the volcanic eruption has disrupted flights, and now airport purgatory. What’s the one mistake you still see people making every single trip?
SD: “I don’t know if it’s a mistake, so much as a personal preference, but I don’t see the point in all the jostling, pushing, and general rudeness, trying to be first to board. You spend MORE time stuck in a cramped metal tube full of other people’s farts? I’d rather just chill. Air travel is stressful enough. I’ve seen you forget to charge your earpods… This is why I always have two sets of wired headphones. Other people noises in transit drive me mad. Gotta take control.“
Inferno isn’t your standard field-and-fence festival. Sprawling across multiple venues – Rockefeller, John Dee, Clarion: The Hub and the surrounding clubs – meaning constant movement for those catching pre shows and post club nights – it’s a city crawl, venue to venue.
What’s your strategy for surviving four days of chaos without burning out by night two?
SD: “Take off your shoes and socks, and make little fists with your feet..? There I go talking about socks again… Honestly, I just accept that the week is going to kill me from the waist down. Planning a bit in advance, and prioritising helps, so you don’t waste steps. Or, for example, if you know there’s a band you just can’t miss, maybe sacrifice part of the set beforehand, in order to get into the live space, before it fills up, and grab a pew for a bit. And again, hot food, hot showers, and GOOD CLEAN SOCKS!“
Packing light versus packing right. We always pack minimalist, the get-up-and-go mentality, don’t take what you can’t carry – plus we absolutely HATE waiting at baggage if it can be avoided!
Where do you personally land when it comes to gear, merch space, and the inevitable “just in case” items?
SD: “I don’t bring shower gel to Inferno any more, because I know that’s covered. One less thing to carry, more room for live DVDs from Neseblod! Also, the t-shirt I wear on the way there then becomes my PJ top. Which theoretically leaves space for more merch. Whatever charger blocks we can scramble up, just in case there’s only one viable power socket (don’t forget your adapters!!!). Few different types of charger cables. Oh, extra vape mods. Something compact to read on paper (Satanic Bible..?). MP3 player for uninterrupted album spins. … More socks.
And yeah, I don’t want to deal with another baggage carousel ever again, if I can help it.”
Naturally, with AVZD doubling as our in-house tour manager, mishaps are rare and backup plans are never in short supply, but we still see it happen. That moment: lost mates, no signal, the last band done and you’ve no clue where your campsite is.
So, what’s Slowdragon’s survival move when it all inevitably goes sideways?
SD: “Honestly, my head is usually so far up my butt organising a million other things, that I rely almost entirely on AVZD for routing, documents, etc. A lot of the time I don’t have a plan for these things until I have to deal with them. If a random regrouping is necessary, I usually go in reverse: Where would people expect to find my dumb ass? Smoking area, or easiest bar to get to while tech death or thrashy black metal is playing? I’m quite predictable on this front, so I just go where one might look, stay there, enjoy myself, and don’t panic. Finding the campsite? I’ve been in some states and still managed. I think I just follow the smell.”
With passports somewhere definitely safe, and Slowdragon’s pre-flight, baby-on-board anxiety already humming louder than Rockerfellers’s amp stack, it’s time to board.
Before we go into flight-mode, for those making their first pilgrimage this year, what’s the one thing people won’t expect – but absolutely should?
SD: “For Inferno? It’s actually quite small, capacity wise, compared to what you might think based on the lineup. I think that’s one thing which makes it really special. For me, anyway. After you’ve been a couple of times, you really feel like you’re part of a big clan or a family. The community of it all nearly popped my tiny mind the first time we went. If you just be yourself, be human, you will make incredible friends like you wouldn’t believe. It’s such a hub for good folk of the extreme metal persuasion. Hatred of air travel aside, it’s all totally worth it for the connection I feel, as soon as we hit that hotel, and start seeing familiar faces.”
And that’s it, folks. Slowdragon’s seat takes a relentless pounding from the half-asleep pensioner behind, the aircon’s blowing like “a mouse’s fart,” and the grumpy troll’s coma-inducing “order to seat” drinks aren’t arriving fast enough for AVZD and her razor-sharp elbows liking.
Two writers ascend… but will both make it?
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Forked Tongues: Inferno Pre-flight Chat
